Hope & Healing For My Life

It's been a long time

2011-09-26T19:02:00.000-07:00

Well thought I should update my blog, since I'm dealing with stuff that needs the support of those who can understand.

Last month I started having extreme pelvic pain again. Saw a Dr turns out I have a 9cm cyst on my right ovary. My OB/Gyn is highly suggesting I get a hysterectomy due to my history of endometriosis referred me to a GYN/Oncologist for the surgery after meeting with the GYN/Oncologist he is suggesting I either do Lupron with add back therapy or have the hysterectomy either way we are going to put my body into menopause. I'm not ready for that I don't have children yet. I have a big decision to make, right now I'm leaning toward the drugs but I am freaked out about it all.

So in my stable mind I know everything in God's time, God sometimes will close a door so we can see the open window he wants us to crawl through. Not my plans but His. With that said for some reason I'm just not ready to close the door to the option of having natural children yet. I've been trying to wrap my head around and embrace the idea of adoption I'm just not fully there yet.

Tomorrow is Tristan's 2nd Bloomday, it still baffles me how I can miss a child I never got to meet but I do I miss my baby I have a friend with a child just about the age Tristan should be and sometimes it breaks my heart for what I'm missing out on. I know God has his plans and Tristan was a huge part of that plan, but my heart still breaks for my little angel.

Twas the Night Before Christmas” ~ For Bereaved Parents ~

2010-12-19T20:41:00.000-08:00

‘Twas the month before Christmas and I dreaded the days,
That I knew I was facing – the holiday craze.
The stores were all filled with holiday lights,
In hopes of drawing customers by day and by night.

As others were making their holiday plans,
My heart was breaking – I couldn’t understand.
I had lost my dear child a few years before,
And I knew what my holiday had in store.

When out of nowhere, there arose such a sound,
I sprang to my feet and was looking around,
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash

The sight that I saw took my breath away,
And my tears turned to smiles in the light of the day.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a cluster of butterflies fluttering near.
With beauty and grace they performed a dance,
I knew in a moment this wasn’t by chance.

The hope that they gave me was a sign from above,
That my child was still near me and that I was loved.
The message they brought was my holiday gift,
And I cried when I saw them in spite of myself.

As I knelt closer to get a better view,
One allowed me to pet it – as if it knew -
That I needed the touch of its fragile wings,
To help me get through the holiday scene.

In the days that followed I carried the thought,
Of the message the butterflies left in my heart -
That no matter what happens or what days lie ahead,
Our children are with us – they’re not really dead.

Yes, the message of the butterflies still rings in my ears,
A message of hope – a message so dear.
And I imagined they sang as they flew out of sight,
“To all bereaved parents – We love you tonight!”

found this at: http://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=137649266293654&id=1394735912#!/topic.php?uid=134095379934833&topic=250

First Christmas

2010-12-17T04:49:00.000-08:00

It just hit me. Had Tristan been born on his due date, this would be the first Christmas. My heart is breaking.

Got the call

2010-11-19T09:15:00.000-08:00

FSH level is at a 9
We have a chance, another round of Clomid and the fight with the insurance company to cover everything. I'm starting to think injections are going to be our best bet but insurance won't cover.

I found this:
1991 Ohio Rev. Code Ann. Section 1751.01(A)(7)
Coverage
* Requires HMOs to cover “basic health care services” including infertility services, when they are medically necessary
* Diagnostic and exploratory procedures are covered, including surgical procedures to correct the medically diagnosed disease or condition of the reproductive organs including, but not limited to: endometriosis; collapsed/clogged fallopian tubes; testicular failure
* IVF, GIFT and ZIFT may be covered, but are not required by the law

Exceptions
* Employers who self-insure are exempt from the requirements of the law

http://www.fertilitylifelines.com/payingfortreatment/state-mandatedinsurancelist.jsp#Ohio

Just gotta find out if hubby's company is self-insured or not to see if we can force them to cover treatments based on this law. Like struggling with infertility isn't enough I now have to fight the insurance.

RE Visit

2010-11-17T14:17:00.000-08:00

Saw the Reproductive Endocrinologist today he is telling me we have a 8% chance of getting pregnant naturally. I'm a little ok a lot crushed by this news. We did blood work to test my FSH levels to find out if I still have enough eggs to even try to move forward to with this. Hubby is also getting his sperm checked on Friday. Interesting fact the Dr gave us most of the time a women who struggles to get pregnant is paired with a man with a lower sperm count. So check the quality of my eggs and his sperm once we know the results we move forward with either drug treatments or adoption.

I went in looking for hope and left with the thought basically I think we need a miracle to get pregnant.

Please continue to pray for us.

Newest Development

2010-11-09T03:38:00.000-08:00

So the doctor did call me to talk about the results, they found a growth similar to what I had when they found the Endometriosis the first time. She also ordered some blood work be done to check hormone levels. well my progesterone levels are too low, she doesn't think I ovulated last month. Why am I taking drugs to help with this that make me crazy if they aren't working? I just don't understand. I too believe the Endo is back because I've been very tired, having back pain and I've had pains similar to period pains for the last 2-3 weeks.

the decision I've made: time for a new doctor. I will be calling Dr. NeeOo Chin today to see if I can get an appointment. I think it's time to see a reproductive endocrinologist instead of my Ob/Gyn.

What a journey this has been - as I learn more about Endometriosis I'm starting to feel like mine was not treated properly and it was 100% going to come back because of it. You put your trust in your doctor because you don't know any better. I'm not the one who went to school for this, but I'm starting to get the feeling that you almost have to become your own doctor because they are not honest with you and if it's something they are not familiar with, shouldn't they refer you to another doctor that is? I'm frustrated, angry and hurt. I need to forgive so this doesn't weigh on me. I truly believe that my path is adoption but my heart longs to carry my child inside of me. I read something yesterday that said "The world says to follow your heart, but if you are not leading it, then someone or something else is" Jeremiah 17:9 The heart is more deceitful than all else is

So I am now going to choose to Lead my heart and not Follow it. Following it just hurts too much.

Doctors Stink

2010-10-21T08:47:00.000-07:00

Had my Ultra sound yesterday to find out if my follicles are maturing. The ultra sound tech says I'm going to page the Dr I said is something wrong she says no it's normal for us to page the doctor. You should get a call later. (I'm not so sure it is normal so my mind is going through all kinds of scenarios) I wanted until 3:30 and call the Dr office myself. I was told my Dr would call me Friday I said well since we are dealing with maturing follicles here isn't this a timely matter. I was told your follicle is not mature and the doctor will call you Friday. I said I don't understand can you explain this to me. She says that's all I can say the Dr will call you Friday. Really I have to wait!!!!???? Now mind you I'm already upset because every time I have to have a vaginal ultra sound it takes me right back to the day of my miscarriage so now I'm just so upset and don't even know what to do with myself. There is a big part of me that just wants to give up and say you know what we just aren't meant to have kids and start saving money to move forward with adoption. I'm brokenhearted yet again. How many times does my heart have to break before I see the light? God, I need you, I know you're there, help me!

Update

2010-10-19T14:29:00.000-07:00

Finally go my period on Oct 7 did my round of clomid and by George I think we have ovulation. Going tomorrow to have an ultra sound done to see if my eggs are maturing (not sure I understand this) I'll ask more questions tomorrow. But I've got what I call ovulation pains so this is a good thing. Maybe just maybe this will be our month. Who knows.

We adopted a dog a Golden Retriever/Bassett mix. She is super sweet and I love having her to focus my time and energy on. She is a wonderful distraction.
\

Oct 15

2010-10-15T05:58:00.000-07:00

National Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness day.

Thinking of Tristan today and praying for peace to all the other Mommies of Angels who feel this same hurt of not having their babies with them.

Crushed

2010-09-30T10:04:00.001-07:00

So had a talk with my husband yesterday about starting the adoption process early or trying IUI. IUI is out because he said "it doesn't feel right" Adoption has to wait until January ("it's what we agreed on, it's the plan") Plans change, I didn't expect that my cycles would get so out of whack after the endo surgery. Today marks 50 days since the start of my last period. I've taken 6 pregnancy tests over that last 2 weeks all negative. Well then last night he said the one thing that could destroy me, He feels we aren't responsible enough to take care of ourselves and now doesn't want to bring a baby into it. REALLY?! are you kidding me? I am crushed and heartbroken. My dream has always been to be a mom and now my husband of 6 years has taken that away. I am truly lost on what my next step should be. I really wish that I would have known that I wasn't going to be having kids before I married him not after 6 years. I can't stop crying and my heart is shattered. Please pray for me and my husband, I need God's guidance and comfort more than ever.

Bloom Day Release

2010-09-29T09:57:00.000-07:00

Well finally did my balloon release for Tristan's Bloom Day. (only 2 days later) I was too heartbroken to write a letter so simply attached a card that said Happy 1st Bloom Day Tristan, Mama misses you very much.

1st Bloom Day

2010-09-27T17:46:00.000-07:00

Happy Bloom Day, Tristan. {1 year ago today my baby bloomed in heaven}
Will post my letter and pictures tomorrow.

Pursuit of a Dream

2010-09-21T06:35:00.000-07:00

Had my annual OB/GYN visit yesterday and left in tears. Being in the Doctors office triggered memories of my aftercare visit from the miscarriage. Then triggering yet again that I feel like an incomplete woman because I can't seem to get pregnant. My cycles since the Endo surgery 45-47 days Dr says I can't get pregnant with cycles that long. So we've started Provera to kick start my period and this month we move to 100mg of Clomid. I guess I just don't realize how bad I want a baby until I'm confronted with it straight on.

I feel like IVF is going to be our best chance, however since my husband is Catholic and checked the Vatican website and it states no third party involvement, I can take drugs to help it happen "naturally" but we can't use doctors to fertilize. Which means if it doesn't happen naturally then adoption is our only option. I'm just feeling like I'm broken and don't function right.

Sept 27 will be one year since Tristan bloomed in heaven so I guess I just need to be kind to myself during this anniversary time. I just keep reminding myself of two verses in the bible:
Isaiah 55:8-9 : For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts
Jeremiah 29:11 : For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

If you read this I ask that you include me in your prayers over the next couple weeks to help guard me against spiritual attack.

Scared and Hurting

2010-09-04T04:26:00.000-07:00

The last two days I've been having pains that remind me of the day I miscarried. I'm very freaked out. I don't know if I'm pregnant or not I still have a couple weeks before I can test. But the pains I'm having are taking me right back to the day I miscarried. My mind is all over the place, I'll go from thinking oh maybe it's just a new baby starting to grow inside of me to, maybe it's just the pains of the endometriosis coming back. I keep praying for God to guide me and comfort me but my mind just can't stay settled. I'm hurting both physically and emotionally today, I just want peace, I'm scared that something else is wrong with me.

I felt like I had been finally starting to move on with my life (living with my grief instead of inside my grief) but as the last two days have proven that I'm not as far along in my process as I thought plus this month Sept 27 will mark one year since Tristan was taken home. My heart is breaking.

I know I have to be kind and patient with myself. TRUST GOD He is my hope and strength.

10 months

2010-07-27T14:45:00.000-07:00

Today I'm trying to praise God in my pain. So hard to do really. Every month anniversary that goes by the more I'm reminded I still have empty arms. I'm am longing to hold my child, to hear him/her laugh, cry, talk, watch them play and develop. I feel like my life is not fulfilled without having a child.

I keep telling God just how much I want this. And His answer to me is be patient. Patience has always been something I struggle with. Time is not on my side in the matters of having children. So I just am so afraid my time will run out before it happens. Yes there is always adoption but after having the miscarriage, I just seem to long more and more of a child of my own. God's timing is always perfect he does everything just right. In HIS time my child will be presented no matter what the means it is all part of His grand plan.

I give praise to God, I work on turning my whole life to Him, yet my little human heart aches for what might have been. I miss Tristan even thou Tristan only grew inside of me for 11 weeks I still found a love and amazement with this little being inside of me. I still had many dreams for our future, his future, now they are only dreams and will never come to be.

I know God's blessings on my life will come but I can't help but want a baby now, in my time not His. I will wait because I have no choice but I will still praise God because that is my choice. His timing is perfect, I just need to be patient and give Him all the praises.

I miss you my little sweet pea!

Memioral Video

2010-07-27T07:38:00.001-07:00

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Point of grace - There is nothing greater than grace

2010-07-24T18:19:00.000-07:00

9 months ago

2010-06-27T14:07:00.001-07:00

So its already been 9 months since Tristan was taken home to God. Sometimes it feels like it was just last month.

God is leading me down some awesome paths which makes me think all my pain and loss with my parents, Tristan and now dealing with a dying father-in-law. I am feeling guided to do grief ministry. I am in the process of writing something up for my church. I have also be invited to be a leader in one of my groups. God's hand has always been in it all. God is using every grief pain I have felt or not felt until years later to aid me to hopefully help others. Dare I say it but my losses are turning into blessings.

My relationship with Christ is stronger than it ever has been. I'm am finding peace in ways I didn't think possible until I started to have a stronger faith that peace and comfort in loss is possible but only through Christ. I am just in awe at the power God can have in your life if you just invite Him in and trust. And I truly have to say that Tristan was the cherry on top of my blessing sundae. Without my miscarriage I would not be were I am right now.

I know some of you who read this might not like what I am about to say but please understand where I am coming from. I can say though it does hurt I am thankful for the loss of my baby, Christ used it for the good just as he promises. God truly can use all our burdens, trials, troubles and hardships for good you just have to stop focusing on that one small event in your life and look at the bigger picture. I once read that sometimes when we look at the world as humans it's like watching a parade through a small pin hole. You can only see maybe one person at a time but the way God sees things is to view the whole parade as if from a satellite. So take a step back and try to view the parade of your life from a satellite and not just from that small pin hole.

Will I still have pain and heartache of course I will but the difference now is God is right there ready to help me make it through and here is the most important part I am ready and willing to seek Him in those moments for His comfort and peace.

Father we're so tempted to perceive the world we live in through the lenses of the materialistic people around us. It is so easy to want to accumulate wealth, to indulge ourselves rather than denying ourselves. Forgive us for losing sight of Jesus and his way. Help me to learn deeply what it means to take up my cross -daily- and follow wherever you go, whatever the cost. Teach me. I thank you for your amazing patience. In Jesus' name, I pray. Amen.

it's been a while

2010-06-25T11:07:00.000-07:00

Didn't realize its been so long since my last post.

Well lets see . . . I should have gotten my period on June 8 did not come took four pregnancy test 3 days apart each one was negative. Called the doctor to find out if the endo could cause irregular cycles and indeed it can. So she says if no flow in 8-10 weeks then I need to come in for further testing. So this morning I have spotting now I wonder is my cycle now 45 days long? or embryo implantation? I guess at this point only time will tell. I can tell you one thing for sure God is teaching me some serious patience.

Any way the reason I came over to my blog to post was the fact that I have many friends making posts on their FB pages about how their kids are driving them crazy and they don't know what to do with them. Well how about spend time with them, cherish every little moment you have. I didn't think posts like this would get to me but I would just be oh so grateful to have such troubles. My troubles include struggling to have just one little earthly angel. Sometimes I actually want to make a post about why don't you do stuff with them, go outside and play, play a game, go to a park, do crafts, short road trip - darn it! enjoy them for all they are worth because too many of us can't enjoy such pleasures. So this is my current hurt.

I can say that seeing pregnant women is starting to make me smile again. A friend reminded me that I don't know what their struggle might have been to get where they are. Maybe that lady you see had 5 miscarriages and this was the first successful pregnancy. Maybe they tried for 10+ years and it finally happened. They are choosing life that is the other reason I smile. Maybe it was an unwanted pregnancy but they chose to bring it into this world. Pregnancy is such a wonderful and magical thing and I can only hope that some day God will bless me and some woman will walk by me and smile back.

I've been trying to keep my focus on God and less on my losses because God is using my losses for His good. God is the only source that can fix the hurt inside of me. God is the only source that knows just what path my life will take. God, Thank You God.

Something a friend posted:
Blessings are not always things which bring us joy right away. Some blessing come out of troubled times, and some come out of suffering. Through our tests, come testimonies...count it all as growth!

On the Right Path

2010-06-09T08:51:00.001-07:00

You will experience terrible failure and crushing conflict on the road that leads to where I'm taking you, but it is the right road even when it feels like it's killing you. ~ 66 Love Letters (in reference to the message in Numbers)

So this tells me that I'm on the right road. I do feeling like my spirit is being killed dealing with not getting pregnant. I am on the path God wants me on. I just need to trust deeply and have strong faith. I know God is going to use me in big ways, I know my past is preparing me for what is coming. God is Good!

Another Month

2010-06-08T19:18:00.000-07:00

Well another month and not pregnant. I also saw a very pregnant woman today and burst into tears. It just seems that as soon as I feel like I'm put back together again I fall apart.

Tried to have the adoption talk with husband again tonight too and it went no where. I just wish I could make him understand how much my heart hurts every month with negative results. Due to the endometriosis we have such a small chance of getting pregnant that I just don't want to go through this for the next 6 months while we wait for January when he has agreed to start the adoption process.

This is a big storm in my life I know only God will help me get through this. I also know that all of you wonderful women who read my blog and make supportive comments are such a huge support to me and I'm very thankful for each one of you.

God Bless and Love You!

Feeling Sad

2010-06-07T12:51:00.000-07:00

Today I'm feeling sad. Missing Tristan so very much.

Since we only have a 20-30% chance of getting pregnant on our own I really just feel this tug in my heart to adopt however my husband doesn't even want to begin the adoption process until January. Last night I tried to talk to him about at least starting the paperwork for adoption. His feeling is that if we start the adoption process that we have given up on a biological child. My heart aches for a child. Every month that goes by without a positive pregnancy makes my heart hurt all over again. This is one storm in my life I just didn't see coming.

Just recently I listened to a recording of a service I missed at church and the statement that stood out to me the most: God created us to have storms in our lives. He made you with a storm in mind and He is preparing you for that storm.

My heart is heavy today I am working on just letting go of it all so I can let God. I have to give up my plans so His plans can be revealed to me. Being human, having free will that is what stands in my way of a perfect relationship with Christ.

I've started reading: From God to you: 66 Love letters: A conversation with God that invites you into His Story - by Larry Crabb

Here is the first statement that stands out to me: I don't want you to be afraid of failure, or you will live for success. And I don't want you to be afraid that things in your life will go wrong--they will--or that you will feel empty--you will. If you fear problems or emptiness, you will live for comfort and fulfillment. And that will just complicate the mess you've already made. ~66 Love Letters

I wanted to share this because most people today live for "comfort and fulfillment" instead of just living for God. God does promise us wonderful lives but he also says we will have hardship too. My hardships, my brokenness is what has strengthened my faith. I am finally reaching for the hand of God that has been waiting for me for all these years. HE is my strength, HE is my comfort, HE is my peace.

Suffering

2010-06-06T17:35:00.000-07:00

This was shared in our Bible Study tonight.

Suffering is not a sign of God's displeasure with you. Suffering often indicates that God is setting us free from something so that we can follow and embrace him more deeply. God wants to teach us how to walk with him through these things so we can know a joy and peace that transcends circumstance.

Bible Study Lesson 4

2010-06-06T15:31:00.000-07:00

I am struggling to complete this chapter. It's all about anger. I don't think I'm in touch with my feelings around this issue. I have to read ever question 4-5 times and still struggle to understand what I'm being asked. I feel like I have a mental block this chapter. It is frustrating and making me angry that I'm having so much trouble completing the questions. Which is making me think maybe I'm just not as in touch with my feelings around my miscarriage after all.

I'm also deeply struggling to concentrate. My guess is the Devil does not want me to complete this - I am trying so hard to push through. Because I have not completed everything I don't want to call in to the group tonight but I will because I know that I need this now more than ever. I want and need to process the stuff I keep hidden away in that dark place no one can see.

I am feeling a great sadness today and just really don't want to feel these deep feelings right now. I just want to put on my "I'm ok" mask and keep pushing through this life. God wants me to process this stuff, God wants me to have a closer relationship with Him. He doesn't want me to carry this burden alone. I will call into the group weather my pages are done or not maybe I'll be able to process more with the help of the ladies in the group tonight.

Insight from Bible Study

2010-05-20T22:06:00.000-07:00

II Cor 12:9
Each time he said, "My gracious favor is all you need my power works best in your weakness" so now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses so that the power of Christ may work through me.

I was listening to Blessed Redeemer by Casting Crowns while doing this and something struck me very deeply.

God used Jesus in his weakest moment on the cross to save me! The power of God shown through in Jesus' weakest moment. Just as the verse says "my power works best in your weakness". Did God use Tristan at his weakest to save me yet again? God knew that my miscarriage would draw me closer to Him because He has always known when I would draw close, He has always known every step and motion I would take. And now using me in my weakness of grief to share His words and love with others. It feels like a full circle. Weakness = God's power.

I have never felt so loved and cared for in my life as I do in this very moment. My heart is filled with peace and love. The Lord is working within me in ways I could never even imagine. I am blessed. Thank You Heavenly Father! Thank you for making me part of your plans. Thank you for sending your son to forgive me. Thank you for giving me weakness so that you may be the light and force to shine through.

Bible Study Lesson 1

2010-05-16T22:57:00.000-07:00

I have started the "Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy" (Teale Fackler & Gwen Kik)Bible Study for the second time.

This really stood out to me from Lesson one:
God is offering you not only the gift of a child but also a time of intimate training guided by His loving hand. He wants you to sit down with Him and the scraps and He'll show you how to piece them together.

Lesson one talks about sharing your story:click here to read my miscarriage story

If you are interested in taking the online Bible Study check out Anchored by Hope for more information.

Found this

2010-05-16T15:42:00.000-07:00

My Mom is a survivor, or so I've heard it said.
But I hear her crying at night when all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her to help her understand.
But like the sands on the beach that never wash away...
I watch over my surviving mom, who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others...a smile of disguise.

I found this today online and wanted to share it.

God Has Big Plans for Me

2010-05-16T12:00:00.000-07:00

Does it ever end?

I realized this last night . . . I was sharing with someone about my history. Dad died (heart attack) when I was 13. Mom died (breast cancer) when I was 22. Miscarried (at 11 weeks) when I was 34. Had surgery to removed endometriosis and lost one fallopian tube also age 34. Now my father in law has stage 4 stomach cancer and has been giving 3-6 months to live (and I'm still 34) So age 34 not so good so far looking forward to 35. But here is what I've realized with all this loss and this sadness God MUST be preparing me for something really really big - because I've sure had my fair share of bad but all that bad lead me to the "Arms of the Lord" so it was all very worth it. And what ever He has planned for me next will make it all worth it in the end.

I sometimes wish God would tell me what those plans are but all I can do is hold on to a couple verse from the Bible that remind me.

Jeremiah 29:11
11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Romans 5:3-6
3 We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. 4 And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. 5 And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love. 6 When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners.

No matter the direction my life takes God already knows where I'm going, and if I open my heart and ears and listen to His path I can not go wrong.

Pair of Shoes

2010-05-09T07:44:00.001-07:00

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Author unknown

Happy Mother's Day

2010-05-08T22:16:00.000-07:00

"Even if your baby lived one day inside of you, you are still a mother! Your body was with child; therefore, in a very real sense you are a genuine mother. That is special, and worthy of recognition. It is extremely important to give validity to the fact that you wear the cherished name mother. Am I a mother? Yes!"
source: http://www.silentgrief.com/articles/index.cgi?view_records=1&Category=Miscarriage&ID=60

Today should have been my first mother's day. I guess it still is my first mother's day yet I have no child to hold in my arms. No child to teach and show the way. No child to give that mothering touch to. Deep in my heart I am a Mother I did care for my little Tristan. I know Tristan has picked the most beautiful flowers just for me I can see them in my mind when I think of him. I can feel the love of God through my little lost angel. I am a mother with empty arms yet a very full and loving heart. Waiting for the day that I will her the word's "Mommy I love you" said out loud and not just from my heart.

A letter from your heavenly father.

2010-04-19T20:12:00.000-07:00

A friend gave me this and I wanted to share it.

This is His Love Letter to you!

To My Dear Children,
You may not know me, but I know everything about you. (Ps 139:1)
I know when you sit down and when you rise up. (Psalm 139:2)
I am familiar with all your ways. (Psalm 139:3)
Even the very hairs on your head are numbered. (Matthew 10:29-30)
For you were made in my image. (Genesis 1:27)
In me you live and move and have your being. For you are my offspring. (Acts 17:28)
I knew you even before you were conceived. (Jeremiah 1:4-5)
I chose you when I planned creation. (Ephesians 1:11-12)
You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book. (Psalm 139:15-16)
I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live. (Acts 17:26)
You are fearfully and wonderfully made. (Psalm 139:14)
I knit you together in your mother's womb. (Psalm 139:13)
And brought you forth on the day you were born. (Psalm 71:6)
I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me. (John 8:41-44)
I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love. (I John 4:16)
And it is my desire to lavish my love on you. (I John 3:1)
Simply because you are my child and I am your Father. (I John 3:7)
I offer you more than your earthly father ever could. (Matthew 7:11)
For I am the perfect Father. (Matthew 5:48)
Every good gift you receive comes from my hand. (James 1:17)
For I am your provider and I meet your needs. (Matthew 6:31-33)
My plan for your future has always been filled with hope. (Jeremiah 29:11)
Because I love you with an everlasting love. (Jeremiah 31:3)
My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore. (Psalm 139:17-18)
And I rejoice over you with singing. (Zephaniah 3:17)
I will never stop doing good to you. (Jeremiah 32:40)
For you are my treasured possession. (Exodus 19:5)
I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul. (Jeremiah 32:41)
And I want to show you great and marvelous things. (Jeremiah 33:3)
For if you seek me with all your heart, you will find me. (Deuteronomy 4:29)
So, Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart. (Psalm 37:4)
For it is I who gave you those desires. (Philippians 2:13)
I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine. (Ephesians 3:20)
For I am your greatest encourager. (2 Thessalonians 2:16-17)
I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles. (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)
When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you. (Psalm 34:18)
As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart. (Isaiah 40:11)
One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes. And I will take away all the pain you have
suffered on this earth. Revelation 21:3-4)
I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus. (John 17:23)
For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed. (John 17:26)
And to tell you that I am not counting your sins. Jesus died so that
you and I could be reconciled. (2 Corinthians 5;18-19)
His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you. (I John 4:10)
I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love. (Romans 8:31-32)
If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me. (I John 2:23)
And nothing will ever separate you from my love again. (Romans 8:38-29)
When it's time for you to Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen.(Luke 15:7)
I have always been your Father, and will always be your Father. (Ephesians 3:14-15)
My question is....Will you be my child? (John 1:12-13)
I am waiting for you. (Luke 15:11-32)

With Love, Your Father,
Almighty God

Due Date Letter

2010-04-16T09:38:00.000-07:00

Dearest Tristan Angel,

You would have been due any day now to enter this world had God not decided to take you home so early. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you my little sweet pea. Mommy has been through a lot these last months and I long for you just as much as I long to have another child. Only God knows the plans he has for my life yet I cannot control my longing to have a baby in my arms. I know I will get to hold you once my time comes to go Home but until that day I will forever hold you in my heart.

I hold on to the dreams that I carried for you my little angel. I never got to meet you in person, no photographs to hold on to, but I have forever been touched by your life I carried inside me for those 11 very short weeks.

My recent surgery left me with a scar on my belly and had you lived this scar could have been from bringing you into this world. It is a reminder that you are gone, that you didn’t make it. My heart aches to be filled with the love of children.

You will forever be my little treasure, a diamond in my heart. I am different because you touched my life. I am a mommy of an angel, God chose me to carry you in my womb and heart. You my little angel chose me knowing you would never see the world. That makes me special but it also makes me sad. I wanted you so bad and my heart is broken because you’re gone.

Only through God can I heal this hurt I feel so deeply. Through this my faith has been strengthened yet my human heart hurts. I grieve my loss and praise my gains, my relationship with Christ. Seeing the blessings I have here on earth and the connections I have made with other Angel Mommies. I am blessed indeed. I just need God to hold my heart right now, while I weather this storm. I know He is with me always and that gives me some peace in my deepest moments of despair.

Tristan my little angel, know that mommy loves you and is waiting for the day we will get to say hello to each other and never have to say good-bye again. I will continue to live my life here on earth always carrying you in my heart knowing when the flowers bloom in the spring that it is you saying hello and I love you, mommy.

Love,
Mommy

Side note: as I was writing this the song Healing Begins by Tenth Avenue North came on the radio. The words spoke to me in that moment.

Hormones??????

2010-04-09T22:41:00.000-07:00

Feeling like an over tired 2 year old, a teen age girl who takes everything too personally and a woman who's hormones are all out of wack - I'm just a ball of joy to be around. God bless my husband for not killing me in my sleep tonight.

I think my surgery sent my hormones into a tailspin.

Home and Recovery

2010-04-08T15:12:00.000-07:00

Had my surgery on Monday, April 5 to remove a pelvic mass. After several days in the hospital I am now home and recovering. Here is what we know. No Cancer - Thank God! The official diagnosis is endometriosis that is what the mass was made up of the scar tissue. It was acting like a glue to all of the organs in the pelvic area. I also lost one fallopian tube. Good news I got to keep both ovaries. I now have a very large incision that goes from belly button to pelvic area and is stapled closed - can you say OUCH!

The doctor says we should be able to get pregnant quickly after I am fully recovered and then once we give birth we would begin treatments for the endometriosis in order to prevent the mass from returning again. I can say I never want to go through this again.

The fallopian tube that she removed was filled with scar tissue. She said had I gotten pregnant on that side we would have ended up with a tubal pregnancy so I'm thankful we caught that. On a good note. The one remaining fallopian tube will be able to pull in the released eggs from both ovaries so we still have a good chance each month of getting pregnant however there is some scar tissue in the one fallopian tube I have left so still a small chance things may not go as planned.

So my husband and I will continue to try to have a biological child until January 2011 if not pregnant by then we will begin to look at the adoption process.

I can say that I am very thankful to God that we caught this in time to do something, that it's not cancer and that the adoption option is available.

the following is something I received the in the last few days that really stuck with me:
"Dear God, I have never thanked you for my thorns. I have thanked you a thousand times for my roses, but never once for my thorns. Teach me the glory of the cross I bear; teach me the value of my thorns. Show me that I have climbed closer to you along the path of pain. Show me
that, through my tears, the colors of your rainbow look much more brilliant."

Lord I thank you for the thorns in my life - they help me appreciate and grow closer to you.

Good News

2010-03-26T20:18:00.000-07:00

Got some good news today. Blood work shows NO cancer markers. It's not 100% but looks like we are good to go. The true test will be when they biopsy the mass on my surgery day. God is good and my prayers are being answered one by one. Thanks to everyone for all the prayers and support.

Newest Update

2010-03-22T17:24:00.000-07:00

Newest update: I have a growth is 22 centimeters in size, my surgery will be April 5th, I will be in the hospital for 3 days and then 6 weeks recovery time at home. Having the blood test done tomorrow for cancer markers. We will not truly know if its cancer until the surgery is done. (this is the nut shell version of everything) keep the prayers coming. ♥

the waiting game / prayers needed

2010-03-18T22:19:00.001-07:00

I have been having pains which I believe to be ovarian pain. Wednesday Dr did and ultra sound which did not show anything, had CT scan on Thursday and I'm awaiting results. However a few hours after the CT scan I began to spot. I'm a little freaked out because what if I was say 4 or 5 days pregnant. I talked to the doctor about it and he said that the CT scan would cause the egg not to implant if that was the case. My heart began to break over that. I just am keeping in mind that I need to be a healthy mommy and have to take care of myself first so I can have a healthy baby but my heart is breaking just a bit over this and I hate that you have to wait for results on these things. I should know more late Friday or on Monday. I just need as many prayers right now as I can get.

6 weeks to due date

2010-03-06T15:34:00.000-08:00

Wow! If I hadn't miscarried I would be due in 6 weeks. It has really hit me hard that I will not be having a child in April. I think a part of me was in denial about the miscarriage that maybe it didn't happen or the doctors were mistaken and I would still end up with a child. It's not going to happen. There is no baby to be delivered in April. I feel like I'm grieving all over again. It hurts now more because I'm finally reaching a place where I am accepting fact.

I also seem to grieve a little each month as I get my "monthly gift". It's another reminder that 1. I am no longer pregnant and 2. that I haven't gotten pregnant again yet. So I feel let down every time Mother Nature brings my gift.

I never thought this process was going to affect me the way it has. My heart is breaking, my tears flow freely, and there are only a few select people I can turn to who understand and accept the fact that I'm still grieving. People who have never gone through this don't seem to understand why I continue to grieve 5 months later but I think I will never stop grieving I will just learn how to live with my grief.

My dear Tristan never got a chance to enter this world but he did enter my world the moment I found out I was pregnant. My dreams and hopes have been crushed. Never in my arms . . . forever in my heart. Tristan lives only in my heart.

I know I'm not the only woman who experiences this but I feel so alone in my own world. The people closest to me just don't want to talk or hear about it. My husband is as supportive as he can be but doesn't understand. He says he never connected so he doesn't really grieve the loss.

Sad, alone and frustrated is how I feel right now. I want to plan a memorial of some sort for April 17 but just don't know what that looks like. I have nothing to bury, I guess I just want to honor and memorialize my little angel.

I'm calling out to God for comfort and support and acceptance. I really need help accepting His plan for my life what ever it is. I find comfort & support in His word and through prayer but the acceptance is what I struggle with the most.

Wanted to Share

2010-03-03T11:16:00.000-08:00

The situation was bad to start with. The ruthless brutality of Egyptian slave drivers held tight rein over the Israelites, forcing them forward in their production of bricks and mortar. The blessing once given to the Israelite forefathers had been forgotten as a fledgling nation grew. A new Pharaoh called for the massacre of newborn little boys – something the Israelites defied. As the years wore on, the young nation though continued to live with its oppression. God calls Moses to bring deliverance to the people, but attempts to reason with Pharaoh are met with increased demands and brutality. In turn, Moses and his brother Aaron are blamed by the Israelites for their unmerciful condition. Hopeless with the despair of the people, the seeming failure of his own leadership, and the apparent inactivity of the God who called him, Moses laments in anguish, “God, why??”

The tragedies of life leave us with the same question, “God, why??” Let me suggest that we change our question, because it is a question that we may not get an answer to, and truthfully, we really don’t need an answer to “why,” but we do need an answer to, “God, where??” Where can I go in my hopelessness? To that question, there is an answer, and it is an invitation from our loving God who truly has not forgotten us. God says, “Come.” “Come to Me.” Just like Moses, come with honesty, with your fears, your questions, your anxieties, your disappointments – but, come. Hopelessness leaves us sinking in a bottomless pit, enveloped in its darkness. It is a despair that sees no alternatives, and no way through. It is a despair that wants to give up. But God says, “Come.” In Moses’ impossible situation, he went to God, and he found out that God was still there, and God was still in control, and God cared. “I am God,” He said. “I have heard the groaning of the people. I will redeem you. I will make you My own special people, and I will be your God.” When I come to God, He tells me I can rest. Rest is found in the quietness of His presence and in the grace of His promises – not “fix-it” promises, but promises of strength, of love, of wisdom, of peace. And when we’ve answered God’s invitation, we find it was our hopelessness that brought us to the path that led us to our God.

Source: Bev @ Thoughts Under the Umbrella
http://www.umbrellaministries.org/

How does faith and infertility meet?

2010-02-28T19:01:00.000-08:00

I was online searching for how religion and fertility treatments meet. Basicly looks like the Christian belief is that something that aids the couple in natural conception is acceptable but if there is a third party involved it is not. So I can take shots or meds to help but no IVF or IUI or other treatments similar. One site even said that infertility is God's way of telling you to adopt. Harsh but it is an option I'm very open to.

James 1:2-5
2 Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. 3 For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. 4 So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. 5 If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking.

I am coming to terms with the fact that maybe I will not have a child naturally. It's not so bad because I remind myself that God does not make mistakes. That he knows my path and I'm just along for the ride waiting for instruction or waiting until I'm open to His instruction.

I pray daily that God will reveal His purpose for my life and that he will give me the strength to accept what ever it may be. I want children in my future but what is that is not God's purpose for my life? Can I accept that? With God all things are possible so with time and God's help the answer would be 'yes'

I won't quit trying until I'm told I truly am infertile I've got a few more months before we would start getting tested for it. My worry is my age - 35 this June. My weight - "too much". Maybe my focus right now needs to be on getting me to healthy state so I can more easily carry a child. Who knows maybe these extra pounds are what keeps me from getting pregnant again.

Saying prayers and hoping for the best.

Found this article interesting:
http://byfaithonline.com/page/in-the-church/infertility-mastery-or-mystery

an excerpt from the article that struck me:

And for the couples going through the suffering of infertility: Remember that our God is One who brings life and promise. An expanded appreciation of the story of redemption, and an understanding of the corporate-ness of our life together in the gospel, may expand our view of how we – even childless – can contribute life to this, our Father’s world.

As one couple wrote, “We might never look to someone and say, ‘She has my eyes.’ But God, please make it so that we might look to someone and say, ‘She has my faith.’” We know this well, because it is taken from our journal in 1994. Through our experience we came to confess more resolutely what we now teach our children from the Heidelberg Catechism: that as our Almighty Father, He truly is “able to turn to our good whatever adversity He sends us in this sad world.” The mystery of grace.

Why?

2010-02-22T06:48:00.001-08:00

Why is it that some people "just get pregnant" they don't have to try and the end up with more kids then they can handle. Why are some blessed with so many and it's a struggle for others to even have just one. It's just not fair. To say the least I'm hurt, angry and frustrated.

I'm asking God to help get my heart on straight again, to strengthen my faith that it will happen in His time. God does not make mistakes so I just have to keep holding on to that.

I just never thought I would feel so hurt and almost betrayed when getting news that others get pregnant. But this feeling only seems to come when I hear of someone who already has 3 or more children and they are having yet another. I also get that feeling when I hear of someone who gets pregnant and is like well I got pregnant now I have to deal with it. Why God? When will it be my turn to be the mommy to a living child. I feel like I'm stuck in some cruel joke surrounded by people who are pregnant its torture on my emotional state.

But if God doesn't make mistakes than all these women are in my life for a reason. God crosses our paths for some purpose just as He has crossed my path with other angel mommies. I found comfort in the words of other angel mommies. But I feel jealousy, hurt, anger, and sadness with the pregnant women. I try to put on a brave face but inside I'm a mess.

God please heal my heart so I can hear you more clearly, You gave your son for me because I'm a sinner. I am lucky to be your treasure even when I sin you still love me and stand by me. God please set my heart right, help me see you don't make mistakes and that in time my purpose will be fulfilled and to accept the purpose you set before me even if it includes not having children. I believe Lord Jesus you are the light on my dark path. Only through you Lord can I be who you want me to be. I am thankful to be yours, I am blessed you have always been there and will always be there, You know my story before I even was born you know my path ahead oh Lord, I am your treasure there fore I am worthy of the path you lead me down. Thank you Lord for blessing my life.

Adoption?

2010-02-09T09:47:00.000-08:00

God has laid it on my heart that I should adopt. I feel He is telling me to "save" a child. There are so many children who need good homes.

I presented this to my husband and he feels we should wait till January 2011 like we originally planned. But I feel so driven to adopt now instead of waiting. I really wish hubby could feel what I'm feeling deep in my soul. I have so much love to give that I just don't want to wait any longer. If God is to bless us with a biological child that is wonderful. But when there are so many children out there that need love and homes why wait to see what happens.

I have asked my husband to pray about it and see what God presents to him, but I feel he is so closed to this option right now that if God did lay it on his heart I don't think he would hear it.

I want this so bad the only thing I can even compare it to is wanting my Tristan. I long for Tristan just as much as I long for a child, be it adopted or biological its just time for me to be the mommy of a living child who needs love.

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. (James 1:27, NIV)

For when the ear heard, it called me blessed, and when the eye saw, it gave witness of me, because I delivered the poor who cried for help, and the orphan who had no helper. The blessing of the one ready to perish came upon me, and I made the widow's heart sing for joy. (Job 29:11-13, NASB)

4 months

2010-01-27T09:17:00.000-08:00

So it's been four months since my precious Tristan was taken home to God. It hit me like a ton of bricks today. Amazing how you can be going along thinking you're just fine and wham it hits you right in your heart.

I would have been 28 weeks along. Today I feel like a did in the weeks following my miscarriage. So lost and brokenhearted. Turning to God for comfort and courage. God has been my saving grace through this whole process. I truly believe that without my faith in God I would be sitting in a hospital with a mental breakdown right now instead of working the process and trying to make it through each day one at a time.

I'm so thankful that God stays by my side always just waiting for me to reach out to Him. God is my blessing in all of this. His comfort wraps me up like a blanket.

I just wish people would stop telling me I can have another child. Another child will not replace the one I lost. Would you tell a child that had a pet die that they can get another one? Would you tell a woman who's husband died she can always get another? Would you tell a grieving mother who lost a 2 year old you can always have another? NO! its not the same one can not replace the other. So why on earth do people say to women who miscarry you can always have another baby. I don't want another baby I want Tristan. I'm not saying I won't try again but a new baby will not make me mourn the loss of Tristan any different. I bonded with Tristan from the moment I knew he was inside me. That was my baby that died, my heart is broken.

The most comforting thing you can do is just tell me you love me, that you're sorry for my loss, and give me a hug. Don't try to think of anything clever to say. It's really that simple. Let me know that I am loved even in my grief.

I know I will get through today because although my world my be standing still in grief the world around me goes on. With God's help I will heal. I will never forget but the hurt will be healed and I will be left with Tristan's footprints on my heart as a reminder that even though I don't hold my angel in my arms I will forever hold my angel in my heart.

"sometimes miracles arrive
so tiny that we cannot feel
the weight of them –
and yet we are still changed,
and we are blessed none the less…"
I found this verse at http://www.labelledame.com/miscarriage-sympathy-cards.html

Processing

2010-01-21T07:31:00.000-08:00

I started the GriefShare program yesterday: http://www.griefshare.org/
The reason for me to start this program is my miscarriage of Tristan on September 27, 2009 brought forth with it the unresolved grief of the loss of my father July 8, 1988 and my mother April 26, 1998. As I feel I have processed most of my grief from Tristan I find now that it has reveled the layers of grief underneath. And I felt it was time to address my parent loss so that I can move forward in life with more peace and comfort.

Every event in my life has lead to this very moment in time. Every event in my life has lead me closer to God. If you had told me in 1988 or 1998 that I would be where I am right now I would not have believed you. I had felt forgotten by God. Now I know God was right next to me the whole time just waiting for me to call out, reach out and take Him into my heart. God now dwells within me and it is with His embrace that I will able to move forward through this process.

Day 1 in the exercises asks:
How would you describe your pain?
Answer:
Somedays its not there
Somedays I am numb
Somedays I weep
Somedays I can't function crippled by my grief
Somedays I feel like I'm looking out a cloudy window
Somedays I praise God for blessings
Somedays I curse God for the hurt
Somedays I embrace my grief for what it is
Somedays I try to avoid
Somedays I am kind and caring to myself
Somedays I can be as cruel as the outside world is to me
Its like my pain is a roller coaster with no end.

It takes longer to heal than most people imagine. What concerns or issues does this raise in your mind regarding your situation?
Answer:
Well considering it has been almost 22 years (dad), 12 years (mom) and 4 months (Tristan) if you don't process it early it will continue to creep up on you in your life. Based on my knowledge of things I know it will never go away fully but I would like to get to a place of being at peace with my losses and accept my grief for what it is.

A concern for me is how others might react now that I am processing it 22 & 12 years later. The outside world can be insensitive to grief and mourning. I fear being hurt by peoples words as I finally bring my unresolved grief out in the open.

Through doing this first set of questions I know that grief is natural, I am normal, and with God I am never alone.

Wisdom and Knowledge through God

2010-01-13T10:13:00.000-08:00

Proverbs 9:10 The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom and the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.

Immersing myself in the Lord leads to better enlightenment and understanding. The Lord is truly the pathway to finding peace and freedom in this busy world we live in. By strengthening my relationship with the Holy One wisdom on how to move through this world will be brought to me. The Lord gives permission to be who you are and feel your feelings because he is there to comfort you when needed you just have to accept His open invitation into your life. He will always walk by your side you just have to allow yourself to feel Him. Reach out and hold is hand in your daily walk you will be amazed at just what the Lord can provide for you. Take a moment be still and listen God is always talking to you if you are ready to hear what he has to say.

Lord,
Thank you for blessing my life. Thank you for never leaving my side. Thank you for your grace. Lord I ask that you help me open the doors inside me that I still lock you out of. Help me to remove all the doors in my soul so that you may be the one who cleans up the messes I have locked away. Through you Lord I will heal all the hurts I have inside. You are the only way to true and total healing.

God's Arms

2010-01-12T12:32:00.000-08:00

Psalm 30:11-12 You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!

God is healing my heart. I'm finally starting to move out of my grief. The more I release and trust to God the more I feel healed. As the song goes Heal the Wound but leave a scar. I don't want it all gone because the loss of Tristan is part of me. I just like that I don't have to suffer in my grief any longer. God is so powerful, so faithful, so wonderful. God loves me so much that he always has his arms out reached to me to help me heal. It's my job to reach for those arms and let them embrace me.

God's embrace what a wonderful place to be. No matter my imperfections God still loves me. No matter how many times I take my pains back He is waiting for me to release them back to Him again. No matter what GOD LOVES ME! Wow! God's love and God's people are the key to my healing and staying right.

I can now look back at all the things good or bad in my past and see that they were blessings. Blessings that lead me right to God's arms. It doesn't get much better than that. My life is one of God's blessings. How cool.

Lord,
thank you for your patience with me. thank you for loving me no matter what. thank you for letting me live in a country where I am free to worship You. thank you for helping me find my way. You have been there all along it was I who was lost but through you Lord I am found. Thank you!

2010-01-03T18:50:00.000-08:00

A New Year's Wish

2010-01-01T09:54:00.000-08:00

Author Unknown

At the sound of the tolling midnight bell
a brand new year will begin.
Let's raise our hopes in a confident toast,
to the promise it ushers in.

May your battles be few, your pleasures many,
your wishes and dreams fulfilled.
May your confidence stand in the face of loss
and give you the strength to rebuild.

May peace of heart fill all your days
may serenity grace your soul.
May tranquil moments bless your life
and keep your spirit whole.

Vision

2009-12-30T21:22:00.000-08:00

My daily devotional presented me with this:
When you ask God for a vision you're likely to be placed in a field of opportunities concealed under acres of obstacles. Then He will stand back and watch how you engage in the ministry of obstacle management!

And from a second source I was presented with this message:
That circumstances don't make you, they reveal you. How you respond to the life God offers you is what makes you.

I believe the losses in my life has hindered my vision. I've lost sight of the vision of my life. I just sit and do very little but grieve and escape my life. Is this God's vision for my life? I think not. I need to refocus on what God's purpose is for me. My life has had so many obstacles and my obstacle management was simply to avoid them instead of overcome them. When you avoid obstacles they pile up until you are ready to deal with them head on. And to take them all at once head on is overwhelming. I need to line them up and now face them one at a time, take them on and work through them this time not avoid them.

The loss of Tristan has allowed a number of unresolved obstacles to present themselves to me. It's no wonder why I'm avoiding life - I'm simply overwhelmed by all the obstacles piling up on me at once. Yes I grieve the loss of my little one but I believe it has broken a flood gate of other grief. The grief of the death of my father, the grief of the death of my mother, lost dreams, lost hopes, feelings of abandonment, dealing with emotional abuse that I experienced as a child, lost friendships, loss of self.

The world can look pretty dark and scary when you are carrying around so much weight. My grief suitcase is very very heavy. It's time to start to unpack some of these obstacles that are standing in the way of my life vision. God has truly used my loss of Tristan to help heal my whole self. If I just peek over the pile of obstacles in front of me I can see that God has great things in store for me. Even more wonderful God is my strength to work through the obstacles this time. Through faith, love, perseverance and God's help I will make it to the other side of my obstacle mountain.

Dear Lord,
Thank you for your faithful love, thank you for showing me the way, thank you for seeing my heart, thank you for believing in me even when I don't. Lord you are the strength and way to overcoming what holds me back in my life's vision. Thank you for presenting me with the path to overcome.

Cloudy Windows

2009-12-21T21:38:00.000-08:00

I feel like I'm viewing the world through a cloudy window. My grief has just enveloped me to the point it is making it so I can't see the world clearly. I feel like I'm getting worse instead of better. I am hoping it's just because of Christmas that I'm feeling this way. Once Christmas passes I hope to start to feel better again at least until my due date approaches.

I never thought that my whole view of the world and the things around me would be altered by my grief. I feel so empty without Tristan growing inside of me. I'd be about 22 weeks along if I still had Tristan. I feel like a lost soul. I feel like I'm defective or broken.

I do find peace from time to time with God but my earthly mind and body keep a hold of this instead of releasing it to God. One day I'm up, one day I'm down. When I think I've got myself back together again I get another bill in the mail in regards to my miscarriage. It sometimes feels like some kind of cruel joke.

I've been trying to think of my blessings. Something I did think about today is that maybe my miscarriage was to prepare me to love a living child even more than I ever could. I have a fear of not bonding with my child maybe my miscarriage was to help me want to bond even further. There is a part of me that fears ever having to go through this again but if I don't try then I may miss out on the greatest blessing ever to hold a child in my arms and love him/her more than anything.

I long for a child and some days I wish my husband would agree to adoption because there are so many children in the world who need a loving home. But I don't dare push right now because I know my view of things is very clouded and I'm having trouble seeing things clearly.

I know this cloud over me will not last forever but I do need some relief from it if only for a little while.

God, I know you have plans that I do not know for my life. I am thankful for all the blessings you have presented to me. Please Lord help show me the way to peace so I can have some rest from these intense feelings. Thank you!

Giving to God

2009-12-17T10:44:00.000-08:00

Over the last week I have read and heard a number of messages that basically say give it to God, Give yourself to God, Turn it over to God. Today's message from Bob Perks - I wish you enough. Posed the question: "If I were there that sacred evening drawn by the light of the star of Bethlehem what gift would I offer Him?" Well based on all the messages God has sent my way over this week. I would only have myself to offer Him. My question is "Am I worthy to be His gift?"

He gave His son as my gift to live in this world, now my goal is to be a worthy gift to the Lord. As I work on changing the way I view myself and the world around me I noticed something. Why is it that the negative messages are given more power? In the news, in TV programs, even on the radio why is the focus on the bad things that happen in the world. If that focus was shifted to the positive would we all view ourselves in a better light? For women if the magazines didn't focus on the "perfect body" would we just accept ourselves as we are just as Jesus accepts us right were we are at. If the news focused on the reason for the season: the Lord of Lords would parents worry so much about getting that perfect toy for their child or would they just feel the blessing of having their family and friends gathered round.

I am working on bringing my focus back to the basics. God & Family. All the stuff just doesn't matter. Am I worthy of being presented to the Lord as a gift? Maybe not but I'm working on it. By being a vessel for His work, by giving thanks to Him for everything, by being a shining light in the darkness, I can be that worthy gift presented to Him.

Tristan was a perfect gift, never born into this world, never tarnished by the negative. I miss my little angel terribly but to think that God has used my loss of Tristan to make me into a worthy gift for Him (Lord). How amazing! If I pull my miscarriage into the light and view it out of the darkness. I see a gift from the Lord, a gift to mold and shape me into the person worthy of being presented to Jesus. My earthly body and mind long to hold Tristan, to hear him cry, laugh, to see his smile, to watch him grow. I some days ache with pain over my loss. But on the days when I fully turn my grief over to God those are the days I see clearly what a gift I have been presented with. Not in my time, in God's time. Let Go, Let God.

Jesus is the reason for the season. This helps remind me that thorough Jesus I can be a worthy gift not only to our Lord but to help spread the word of God through me. To stand up for what I believe. To live out the blessings, to share the experiences. God has been using me for His purpose from the very beginning of my creation. Every experience and brought me to the perfect place the perfect time to realize I am one of God's perfect gifts.

Rejoice in my Suffering?

2009-12-14T12:39:00.000-08:00

This is some of my Walk in the Word this week. I found it very fitting:

Why is it that Christ seems so near during times of hardship? It's "the fellowship of His sufferings" that Philippians 3:10 talks about. Does Jesus know about suffering? Yes, He does. So when we suffer, we feel an affinity with Him. There's a way that He draws near to us like in no other way; as Hebrews 4 says, "He's touched with the feelings of our infirmities." First Peter 4:13 says, "But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed." Rejoice . . . rejoice. Twice in one verse, in the middle of a discussion on suffering, we're told to rejoice.

Why would I rejoice in my suffering?

Here's why: You share in Christ's suffering. You have a new understanding and new connection with Jesus. Some people say this verse is talking about a future time when we'll be glad when His glory is revealed to the world. It could also mean that we'll be glad when His glory is revealed in us - that we'll rejoice when we look in the mirror and see a different person, because the glory of Christ will be more revealed through our lives. Both options are pretty cool, and we can hold out this truth either way: there's a closeness with the Lord that comes through trials that doesn't come any other way. Rejoice in this opportunity.

http://www.walkintheword.com

I love the idea of sharing in Christ's Suffering and that brings me closer to Him. To be able to rejoice in my trials and view my hardship as a blessing. What a tall order. I know it can be done but only through Christ himself. If I sift through the emotions and reveal was it underneath it all I can see how such a thing could be true. But its the devil who keeps me stuck in my emotions and unable to see beyond them. God stands right beside me the whole way whispering the truths and reaching for my hand to guide me. But I have to stop and listen and then reach for a hand I can not see. FAITH tells me that hand is there for me to reach for. FAITH is what I need to focus on. God loves me so much that no matter what I have done in my life He has stood by me just waiting for me to be quiet long enough to hear him and finally reach for His hand. Lord I am there. I know I have only been meeting you half way in the last couple months but I am ready to walk hand in hand with you. Allow you to be my one and only guiding light along this path I walk. You and only you are my pathway to peace and when I finally stop taking the paved paths in front of me and stop to walk the path you reveal only then will I see how my hardships and trials have been blessings only looking back from Your way will I be able to see how far I've come, and wonder in amazement how the heck I made it through and my answer will be FAITH in the Lord. Thank You Jesus!

Trying to Find Hope

2009-12-09T07:33:00.000-08:00

Still feeling very broken inside. I just no longer feel like a whole person.

The other day my daily devotional had this phrase in it: "What God has in store for you is worth any price you have to pay."

I wish I could say I felt that way but I'm so wrapped in my grief I can't even see over, around and through it. In my head I know God has great things in store for my life, in my head I know I will have another child in God's Time. But in my heart all I want is my baby Tristan. My little angel taken home before I even got to see his face. I feel like I have a battle in my body between my head and heart. I have to allow my heart to grieve but I just want the intense hurt to leave. I want to move on with my life. I know only time and God can heal this wound in my heart.

This is another message I've recently gotten:
God sends you fresh flowers every spring, a breathtaking sunrise every morning. If God had a wallet, your picture would be in it. If God has a refrigerator, your childhood scribbles would be on it. God is crazy about you.

I am thankful God is crazy about me and I know God wants no harm to come to me. I ask that God please make peace between my heart and my head. End the turmoil I feel inside of me. Help me see Your grace, help me find the comfort I'm looking for in your arms. I know you are the source of peace. I give my grief to you Lord, Tristan went to you in a pure state no pain, no sin, no grief. Lord help me regain that pure state in you for myself.

Turning it Around for Good

2009-12-07T08:51:00.000-08:00

This message really hit home for me and wanted to share it:

Turning It Around for Good

"So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." - 2 Corinthians 12:7-9

With all due respect to Rabbi Kushner, God does allow bad things to happen to good people. He doesn't cause them, but He doesn't prevent them either. The world is free and God doesn't very often step in and alter the fact that the effects of sin are visiting themselves randomly upon the creation. So God lets trials happen to the Christian just like He lets them happen to the pagans so that the superiority of the life lived in God can be demonstrated through our lives. The majority of the world is choosing not to worship God, but a few of us, by God's grace, can draw down upon God's promised resources to get us through.

God did not cause the horrible events in your life, but you need to embrace the fact that He allowed them. God could not make a world in which we are free and at the same time guarantee that everyone would choose Him. So the world is broken and bad things happen. But God promises that He will be with those who love Him. He will bring us through the fire, and we will come forth as gold.

God allowed Paul to suffer a "thorn . . . in the flesh." Paul said that God allowed "a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited" (2 Corinthians 12:7). Paul understood that God allowed this pain in his life for a reason. God allowed a demon to harass, or buffet Paul. The word buffet means to strike with a fist or beat. But God permitted it with a purpose: to keep [Paul] from being conceited.

God is so sovereign. He's so much in control that even when Satan tries to ruin our lives, God takes the weapon that Satan wants to use to destroy us and turns it into a good thing. God says, "If you will lean hard on Me in the midst of this difficult time, I’ll take that thorn and make it for your good."

We all have a thorn. We all have something that God has allowed into our lives that Satan meant for our destruction but that God has turned around to help us grow and change.

www.walkintheword.com

Little Bell

2009-12-04T10:07:00.000-08:00

As I read this story I saw Little Bell as God waiting for me to move Him to the front of my life.

Little Bell

Hidden in the back of the tree, deep in the branches, Little Bell
hung out of sight. Her brass surface was tarnished and scratched after
four generations of Christmas. The pretty glass ornaments hung on the
outer branches for all to see, but Little Bell was out of sight.

Little Bell looked through the branches. She saw the other ornaments
and was sad. She saw the ceramic Santa, with the package in his hands.
The package was torn by a little boy, who thought there was a present
inside. Santa's head had chips from years of being hung and put away.
The Santa ornament was damaged, but still placed near the front of the
tree for all to see. Little Bell was way in the back - hidden. All the
ornaments Bell hung with through the years, were at the front of the
tree, but Bell was alone.

Little Bell remembered when she hung at the front of the tree.
Christmas came. Boxes were carried to the living room and opened. The
tree was placed in the center the large room. Hands reached into the
boxes. Bell, her brass surface shining brightly, would be lifted from
a box. The hand would shake her, and she would ring with joy. Her sound
brought smiles to those who held her. She'd be placed in the front and
center of the tree, for all to admire.

One year, smaller hands held her. They helped the big hands. The
little hands hung Bell in the right place, but they could not leave
little bell alone. They'd touch Bell to make her ring, but the big
hands told them, "No! You might knock the tree down." Bell was hung
higher, away from the little hands.

Over the years, the little hands grew larger, and the big hands
allowed them to touch her. They placed her on the tree and would allow
the smaller hands to move her.

A game began. Bell was moved around the tree. The one who found
her, got to hang her in a new place. Bell was hidden in the deepest
and darkest places of the tree. She waited patiently, until the smaller
hands found her, made her ring, and then move her to a new spot. Little
Bell was the favorite ornament on the tree. She was proud.

After many years, the little hands got bigger. They hid her on
the tree, and Little Bell hung hidden from view - forgotten. The game
was over. Bell was sad. She hung alone at the back of the tree.

Years later, one of the big hands handed Little Bell to one of
the small hands that had grown. "This is yours. Take Little Bell with you."

The next Christmas, Bell was placed in the front of the tree.
Her brass was tarnished, but her ring was pure. She made the hand
thing smile. She was happy.

A few Christmas' later, new small hands were putting "Little Bell"
on the tree. They played the game bell loved. Bell waited for the
little hands to find her. They moved her around the tree. Little Bell
loved the game. She was the center of attention again. The other
ornaments hung brightly on the tree, but Little Bell, who was
hidden, was the one the hands reached for.

Those new little hands grew bigger, and Little Bell was once
again placed on the tree, her surface dull and tarnished from years
of use. She was placed deep in the tree, hidden from view. The big
hands still playing the game, but there were no little hands to
look for her.

Little Bell was sad.

One day, a big hand reached out to her, "This is a pretty
ornament! Where did it come from?"

The other 'Big Hand' said, "That is the Little Bell. I played
with it when I was a kid. My brothers and I hid it on the tree and
took turns trying to find it. Mom knew I loved it and gave it to
me, so her grandkids could play the game I did.

The new "Big Hand" took Little Bell, polished her brass, and
hung her at the front of the tree. Little Bell's brass reflected
the lights and glowed with pride. The "Hand" removed ornaments
around Little Bell, so she would have her own special spot on the
tree. After years of hiding, Bell now hangs in a special spot at
the front of the tree, but prays for the day little hands will
once again hide her.

Michael T. Smith
Merry Christmas

http://ourecho.com/biography-353-Michael-Timothy-Smith.shtml

Merry Christmas From Heaven

2009-12-03T23:46:00.000-08:00

I wanted to post the poem but don't want to get in trouble for it since the poem is copyrighted. below is a link to read:
http://www.merrychristmasfromheaven.com/

Why?

2009-12-03T20:53:00.000-08:00

The hurt inside of me is so deep I can feel it to my very core. I hurt in a way that I can't even totally express in words. I just feel so empty, so alone, so sad and so angry. Why God? Why my baby? Why do I have to experience more grief in my life? Why do I have to lose yet another person I love? I just feel like my soul has been ripped from me. I no longer feel like a whole person. It has been two months and I still don't totally accept that I'm no longer pregnant.

Lost, sad, scared can only begin to express. I so don't want to be angry at God. I know He had a purpose for taking Tristan home before I got to see him. But a part of me is angry at God. I have to admit that much. God gives babies to people who abuse them. God gives babies to women who do not take care of themselves while pregnant. Yet He took my baby from me. WHY????

I need to this hurt to ease up, yet I don't know how to find comfort. I turn to my bible, I turn to worship music, I turn to food, I turn to wine, I turn to exercise, I turn to blogging, I turn to groups. I really want to be able to turn to my mother, I would love to have her comfort me right now but God took her from me too. WHY????

Has He left me alone so I turn to Him before all others? God's hope, faith and plan for my life is the only thing keeping me holding on. But then I hear stories from other women who have had to have more than one baby ripped from their lives. Why would God put a woman through this torment more than once? My heart brakes.

"When I lay these questions before God I get no answer. But a rather special sort of 'No answer.' It is not the locked door. It is more like a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze. As though He shook His head not in refusal but in waiving the question. Like, 'Peace, Child; you don't understand." ~ C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

No I don't understand!

Romans 8:28 tells me: And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

I love God, I trust God, I believe God. Therefore I am called to HIS PURPOSE.

God forgive me for being angry I am human with human emotions. I know you have a purpose for my life. I do not know your plan for me all I can do is follow. You created my story before I even came to be. You gave your son for me, Now I need to work on giving Tristan for You. Tristan was yours before you even blessed me with him. I hurt Lord, I grieve, my heart is broken. I know I do not walk this walk along for You are with me. Please Lord comfort me, help me see the blessings that will come from this loss.

Collection of Phrases

2009-12-03T20:00:00.001-08:00

"No farewell words were spoken, no time to say goodbye, you were gone before we knew it, and only God can tell us why. It broke my heart to lose you, but you didn't go alone, for part of me went with you, the day God called you home."

"In Loving Memory: Unseen and unheard, but always near, So loved, So missed, and So very dear"

Sweet little flower of heavenly birth you were too fair to bloom on earth

"Earth has no sorrow that heaven cannot heal"

If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.

An Angel Never Dies

2009-12-03T20:00:00.000-08:00

Don't let them say, I wasn't born
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave
I've loved you from the start.

Although my body you can't hold,
It doesn't mean I'm gone.
This world was worthy, not, of me
God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face.
You have my word, I'll fill your arms
Someday we will embrace.

You'll hear that it was "meant to be,
God doesn't make mistakes"
But that won't soften your worst blow..
Or make your heart not ache.

I'm watching over all you do,
another child you'll bear.
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you'll understand.

Although, I've never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes..
That doesn't mean I never "was"

An Angel Never Dies........

-Author Unknown

The Tiny Rosebud

2009-12-03T15:04:00.001-08:00

The Tiny Rosebud

The Master Gardener from Heaven above

Planted a seed in the garden of love

And from it grew a rosebud small

That never had time to open at all

For God in His perfect and all wise way

Chose this rose for his heavenly bouquet

So think of your darling with the angels above

Secure and contented and surrounded by love

And remember that God blessed and enriched your lives too

For in dying, your darling brought Heaven closer to you.

~Author Unknown

Is there light?

2009-11-30T18:15:00.000-08:00

Been feeling like a waste of space. I just can't get things done. I can't focus. I don't feel like doing anything other than being on the computer. I feel like I'm failing at life right now. I don't need the world to beat me down I'm doing a good enough job all by myself.

Christmas is right around the corner and I have no Christmas Cheer. If I had it my way I think I would skip Christmas altogether this year.

I keep turning to God and my bible for help and answers. I feel good for a little while after and then start to fall into my deep dark pit of despair again.

I do believe God has put me here for a reason. I have traveled my life journey for a purpose. I just sometimes wish I had an idea what that purpose is. I have never in my life felt so lost, brokenhearted, and sad. I want to move through this without avoiding but I'm starting to think I'm trapped here and can't move on.

I'm trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Fear

2009-11-27T18:08:00.000-08:00

There is a part of me that wants to have another child and then there is a part of me that doesn't even want to begin to think about it. I'm so afraid of another miscarriage and second loss. I can't let fear hold me back. God's hand is on me and what ever is meant to happen is what will happen. I have to have faith in His plan for my life. I am not in control.

There is also a part of me that thinks if I have another Tristan will be forgotten. I know I won't forget Tristan but others will. I can imagine how Tristan would have developed and I can visit him when ever I want. But would a new baby take my focus off of Tristan. Will others forget that I would be a mommy of two? one living, one angel.

I am confused on how things will be, but I trust God will take care of things. Maybe my loss of Tristan will make me an even better mommy to my next child.

God's Angels

2009-11-24T19:25:00.000-08:00

God has sent me some wonderful angels. They don't have wings or a magic glow but they do have hearts of gold. It's amazing how when people you think love and support you walk away from you because you make them uncomfortable. And then God sends you some wonderful angels and most of my angels are strangers. My heart has been touched and filled thanks to these wonderful angels. I feel so lucky that God puts in people's hearts to reach out to others they may not even know. My life has been blessed. One more blessing I can count to be thankful for. These angels may be strangers in that I have never met them but when it comes to the heart they are a part of me and my life. You just can't explain the connection you can get when you share such a bond as the loss of a child. It changes you and makes you see things and people very different. I count every blessing no matter how small it might be. My life is truly blessed indeed.

Hope and God's Plan

2009-11-23T20:35:00.000-08:00

God is offering you not only the gift of a child but also a time of intimate training guided by His loving hand. He wants you to sit down with Him and the scraps and He'll show you how to piece them together. ~ Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy by T. Fackler & G. Kik

the following may seem choppy in writing but they are some random thoughts after going through the verses listed in Chapter 2.

God's word tells me that His plan is perfect and His plan will lead me to enlightenment. I am being equipped for life through God's word. God wounds us so He can heal us. God gives life and takes life for His purpose. God knew me and planned for me before I came to be. God knew Tristan and planned before he came to be. We are both part of God's perfect plan. I may not see something as a gift but all God gives is a gift. God blesses our lives with His plan. I am a child of God therefore his plan for me is perfect. He is never changing. His love is forever and perfect. God will take care of me. God has always upheld me and Tristan. Nothing will be impossible with God. God knew me and appointed my life in the womb. God knew Tristan and appointed his life in the womb. Our eternal life with God includes our life on earth through our spiritual connection with the Lord. God's strength pulls us through. He loves me when I'm weak. He saves me when I'm weak. God is using my miscarriage in order than the works of God might be displayed through me. Sometimes we have to deal with bad things in order to see again. All the loss in my life has been part of God's plan to lead me back to His arms. God grace is sufficient for me. By sharing my weakness I am fulfilled by God's grace. God wants my spirit and I'm not to worry about my physical being. The kingdom of heaven belongs to those we have lost. Home with the Lord is better than the body. All you have to do is believe and you will be taken Home. Through God I can visit Tristan. By acknowledging Tristan as one of God's chosen ones I can reconnect because I too am one of God's chosen ones. I don't know the path or activity of God. My plan does not always equal God's plan. God's plan is for a higher purpose. God gives help through the spirit of the truth. He never leaves you. God comforts us so that we may comfort others. God will heal my hurts. Tristan's death is God's glory. Hope does not disappoint because it is put in our hearts by the Holy Spirit. The past is encouragement to hope.

What I have learned. My miscarriage was God's will I can not change that. My miscarriage is going to serve a purpose bigger than I can understand at this time. Everything in my life God has planned out before I even began to develop in my mother's womb. Just as Tristan's life was planned before he began to develop in my womb. I have hope that I will at some point look at my miscarriage as one of God's blessings. Right now I continue to ask Why?

Why have I had to experience so much loss in my life? First my father (21 years ago), then my mother (11 years ago) now my precious baby. I know each loss has its purpose and I know a lot of the things that have happened in my life were for the simple purpose of bringing me back to God.

So now I'm back sitting in the arms of God and basking in His perfect love. This is a love I don't understand because I can't say I've ever felt love like God showers down on me. But I'm learning to just accept it for what it is and feel the hope God fills me with. If I take the time to listen He also tells me things wonderful things. He reminds me that I am perfect just how I am. That His love for me is never failing.

Though I still hurt over all my losses I do find comfort in knowing that God's plan for me was set in motion when He created me and that everything is going to serve His purpose. May He heal my wound but leave a scar to remind me where I have come from.

Bible Study Starts

2009-11-19T19:04:00.001-08:00

Tonight was the first night of my bible study. My reflections from tonight's group: I felt both deep compassion for the other women and a bit of jealousy. Jealousy because many of them got to hold and see their babies but then such deep compassion because I can't even begin to image what holding your baby can be like knowing you don't get to take him/her home with you.

It almost makes me feel a little lucky that my pregnancy didn't go that far but as much as I think on some level it makes it easier it really doesn't. We all hurt and have very similar experiences and if you have not been through the loss of your baby you can never understand what kind of grief you will go through. It's almost like a secret club of woman who put on this brave face to the world because the world won't accept that they are broken and hurt inside. But to each other we can take off our brave mask and reveal that deep pain and hurt.

It is very healing to know that I am not alone in this deep pain I feel inside. Lost and alone no more I have people to connect and share with. God put every hair on my head, the color in my eyes, the love in my soul and He put stones in my path to pick up and lead me to these other women.

I will may never know God's purpose for taking Tristan straight to heaven before coming to my arms. But God's plan for me is bigger than I can understand and all I can do is trust and believe.

Walk with a Purpse - 11/13

2009-11-13T12:51:00.000-08:00

20 mins: Sometimes you will have outside sources taking you off your current track. Sometimes those sources walk beside you with encouragement. Sometimes those sources can hold you back but maybe its just that you need to encourage them. Other times those outside sources are pulling you along the journey to better enlightenment. God put each source in your life for a purpose to help you, for you to help or simply to remind you that you're on the right track and keep it up.

Walk with a Purpose - 11/12

2009-11-12T14:18:00.001-08:00

23 mins: Today I learned sometimes you have to push yourself to do something you don't want to do. If you find you don't have time you need to make the time. And during the journey you may have obstacles and distractions. Stop for a moment and figure out a way to solve the obstacle. Work hard to keep going and block out the distractions. When you take a moment to move through it all you can enjoy the beauty that God has blessed all around you and inside of you.

Walk with a Purpose-11/11

2009-11-11T12:21:00.000-08:00

I've started reading Walking the Walk: Getting Fit with Faith by Leslie Sansone.
I thought I would track my thoughts after each walk:
20 mins. this walk taught me: sometimes you'll have hills you have to climb just slow your pace one step at a time and you'll make it up the hill you have to climb it because it is the only way home. Sometimes you'll be walking into the wind which can make things tough but if you listen there is encouragement in the wind. No matter what life throws at me I can make it up the hill and through the wind to get back safe and sound at home.

How long for Grief?

2009-11-10T07:27:00.000-08:00

I have had no positive role models on the grieving process. I never witnessed the process of someone grieving a major loss. When my father passed 21 years ago I grieved for a short time and I remember my mother telling me time to move on, suck it up, that's enough. So I learned to stuff my feelings around grief. Then my mother passed 11 years ago she did not want a funeral so we followed her wishes. By not having the funeral I never got the closure I needed to heal from her death. Funerals are for the living to help them heal. So now here I am again with the grief of the loss of my baby. But this time I will not stuff my feelings. I will wail, cry, scream, laugh, write, go numb, but what ever the feeling is I'm going to feel it. I am going to process this loss. My therapist is telling me that due to the fact that I never got to truly mourn my parents deaths that it is making my feelings around my miscarriage that more intense. I believe it! Right now I'm in some of the most intense feelings I've ever felt in my life. Although I want to stuff them away and hide I push myself to feel and put them out there.

My question is how long does one grieve? But as I'm learning there is no time table and there is no right or wrong way as long as you give yourself permission to grieve.

I am so changed by this experience. I am so a different person now. This has just been such a significant event in my life. As much as I want to do everything perfect. I've learned perfection is over rated. So there is no formula to grief you just feel it as uncomfortable as it may be. I don't like being uncomfortable but I don't think anybody likes it. I do have my days where I stuff it and hide from my grief but then it just sneaks up on me and takes me off guard at bad moments. So I give permission to just sit and feel and the more frequently I do this the less intense things feel. Its a process and I'm working through it. Not around or over but right through the middle of the mess. I will come out the other side stronger.

Wanted to share

2009-11-10T07:04:00.000-08:00

Be patient with yourself- give yourself permission to grieve. Think of grief in this way: the death of your loved one is a physical wound where grief is the healing of that wound. Just like a physical wound heals, you will heal--from the inside out.

Taken from http://www.angelfire.com/ok/alittlepieceofheaven/grieving.html

Broken

2009-11-02T16:03:00.000-08:00

Just one simply word . . . Broken.
That is how I feel I keep praying, I keep hoping the brokenness will get better. I know in time it will but now right now I'm so broken I hurt so deep. I've just never felt hurt to this extent before. I lost my father when I was 13 lost my mother when I was 22 and now I hurt more than even losing them. My baby I never met, yet the loss of you has affected me so deeply. I think everything is finally catching up to me. Its a month and I feel sadder and more broken now than when it first happened.

My Walk in the Word www.walkintheword.com message this week:
You're Not Going Under - Bible verse: First Peter 4:19 encourages us with, "Therefore let those who suffer according to God's will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good."

Entrust my sorrow to God. He has always been so faithful to me yet can I say I've done the same in return. God gave his Son for me. Can I give me and my child for Him? It's a question I struggle with daily. I feel so selfish in wanting my baby when God gave his Son so that I could be forgiven so that I can be selfish from time to time.

I hurt to my very core. In moments I do find some peace but today is not a day of peace for me. I just want my baby I just want to hold my little Tristan. I am a Mommy with no baby to hold. I am a Mommy to an angel, one of God chosen ones.

I am one of God's chosen ones he chose me to carry one of his angels. He has used me for some purpose. Sometimes I think it is to bring me closer to Him. Other times I think that this will be used in the future to touch someone else's life.

What ever the purpose I know God does not make mistakes. My life course what set in motion the day He created me. All my life trials were written in my book of life. I know I will come out of all of this stronger in the end but right now in this moment it hurts oh so much. Dare I say I feel depressed. I feel so sad some days that I don't even feel like I can function. My brain is in a fog, I can't think straight. I feel only sadness and when happiness creeps in there I sometimes feel guilty for being happy.

I know this is normal. I know I am not alone that others have walked this road I'm walking. And that gives me Hope the fact that God has brought others through this journey and they too felt happiness again, they too could move forward from their grief. I know I will never forget. GOD is my pathway to peace.

I've been Avoiding

2009-10-31T18:58:00.001-07:00

My therapist wants me to write about my miscarriage experience. I have mild post traumatic stress disorder. When I think about that day the bloody scene in the bathroom at the hospital flashes through my head and bothers me greatly. So here it goes my miscarriage story:

I had gotten my flu shot on Tuesday and began to spot lightly about 3 hours later. I called the doctors office on Wednesday just for peace of mind. I was 11 weeks pregnant and told that spotting is normal at that point in pregnancy and the flu shot connection was only a coincidence. As the week went on my spotting continued and I thought nothing of it. On Saturday I start mild cramping. Still not really thinking much of it. Sunday I just felt someone wasn't right the cramping got much worse I called the doctor's office to talk to the on call person. I was told that it sounded like I was miscarrying and if I began to bleed so heavy that I filled more than two pads an hour I should go to the ER. Never did I expect what was about to happen to me.

I was sitting on the couch when I felt the rush of blood. I went to the bathroom sat on the toilet and just began to cry I was loosing very large amounts of blood and tissue more like about 2 pads worth every 10 mins. I sat on the toilet until my husband arrived at home to take me to the ER. On the way to the ER I bleed trough my clothes. I was so very freaked out.

I arrived at the ER walking in funny because blood was running down my leg. My husband went to park the car. The lady sat me in a wheelchair and I waiting to see the intake person. I wait and bled in the chair. I got to see the intake person she started asking me standard questions name, address, etc. I said I'm sitting in a pool of my own blood and tissue she responded your communicating just fine. The snack man came around and she was more interested in getting her twizzlers than doing my intake. I was starting to think I was in another land and wondering is this normal? She then got cold and asked her boss if she could turn up the heat all the time I'm sitting there bleeding out. I thought to myself is this really happening. Twizzler and Heat are more important than a miscarrying patient. On top of everything the woman was the slowest typist I'd ever seen (in the ER really?) So I expressed to her again. I'm sitting in a pool of my own blood and tissue. Her response oh do you need to change your pad. Let me get you a volunteer. (I was just thinking remain calm because I wanted to make sure I got good treatment and if I had gotten hysterical I was afraid it would delay things). So a volunteer with two tiny pads wheels me into the public bathroom of the waiting room of the ER. I continued to think is this really happening to me? I felt like I was in some kind of weird movie. So I'm in one of the stalls of the public ER bathroom and as I move from the chair to the toilet and pull down my pants there is a large splash. Blood is on me, the floor, the walls, the toilet. I was more freaked out about the amount of blood in that moment than I was about the fact that I was miscarrying. This is the picture that flashes though my head when I think of that day. It was like a horror movie scene with the amount of blood.

The volunteer now realizes the seriousness of my situation. She is praying over me which I found comforting. She went and got some nurses. She looked at the pads and said I don't think these will work. So I strip down in the public stall in the bathroom they give me gowns to put on and put down a large diaper on the wheel chair. I am then wheeled through the waiting room of the ER crying with blood everywhere and in gowns. I just couldn't believe it. I then hear them over the loud speaker say several times about the clean up needed in the bathroom and I apologized for the mess. I was so embarrassed.

At this point the most traumatic physical part of things is over. I'm put on a bed with lots of large pads laid out. But what I didn't understand was why I was left to just sit in my own blood and feeling the tissue my body kept passing. It's so hard to understand. So as you can guess I needed a D&C. My doctor who did it was wonderful and made sure that I knew it was not my vault there was nothing I did wrong. I really liked the way it said things though I can't remember exact wording.

I did have to stay overnight. No big deal however I was surprised when I left the hospital the nurse said to me are you ok. I said I'm as well as can be expected. I was sent home with no information or support on what I was about to go through emotionally.

That is where this part of the story ends and the rest of this blogging begins. My journey to emotional healing.

Something that comforts me

2009-10-31T17:00:00.000-07:00

God spoke to me and this is what he said:
My child these tears I cry for you,
for I am a God of mercy
and I lost a child too.
for your child did not suffer
and my son died in vein
I am a God that's gracious in so many ways,
yes I took you child
but not because of anything you've done.
I gave you the chance to make me an angel
the greatest gift a mother can give to her God.
The mothers of my angels are special
that's why I choose you
but I'll let you in on a little secret
that will bring a smile to your face.
When your child was in heaven
before I sent it your way
your baby was my special angel
that I promised a perfect mommy
so as I set down and opened "the mommy book"
that precious little angel took just one look
and said "God I want that one to be my Mommy"
I looked with tears in my eyes
and said sorry no can do
that mommy she's not for you
"why is that" the little angel asked
I replied "for that mommy her baby will not survive"
the little angel looked up at me with tears in his eyes
"but please God for her . . I would die"
for I could tell the angel was so sincere
despite what I told him I sent him here.
As a smile crossed my cheek
a tear rolled down my face
to know of all the mommies in the whole wide world
that special little angel chose me.
- this is something that I found on the internet (I wish I could take credit for it)
A Mother Questions God Link to video

Memorial Rock

2009-10-28T18:37:00.000-07:00

I painted this rock on 10/01/09 in memory of my little angel. I find painting to be very therapeutic for me. The sad part is just last week the glaze on the pink heart began to crack and flake off. The symbolism behind it was very fitting because my heart is breaking and I too feel like I'm falling apart like my rock started to do.

Why do people act like nothing happened?

2009-10-12T18:46:00.000-07:00

My baby was taken Home to God Sept 27, 2009. During that first week people were very supportive and kind. Now no one wants to talk about it or even acknowledge it. So is that all a grieving mother gets is one week? How is my loss any different than someone who losses a toddler or teenager? Do I not grieve the same did I not lose a precious child? Just because my child never got to walk or crawl this earth doesn't mean they weren't just as special. This is something that hurts me greatly. The way others act makes me feel like my baby was less valued than say a toddler or teenager would be valued. Just feeling a little misunderstood and brokenhearted.

One Week

2009-10-04T18:34:00.000-07:00

Dear Tristan,

It has been one week since you were taken Home. I think of you often and mourn my loss. During this week I have found that this experience has brought me closer to God. My little darling who knew that you leaving me before I met you would draw me closer to the being that created you, me and life as I know it. For the first time in my life I find comfort in the Lord during a very difficult time. I place no blame on myself, no blame on you, no blame on others, no blame on God; I just accept it for what it is a loss I can't explain. Through this loss I have gained so much. I have gained a love for God I never thought I would have. I have felt the love God gives. His presence is so real to me. He is touching my heart and soul and wrapping them in love and protection while still allowing me to feel the hurt just enough that I can handle. And when my grief is bigger than me He holds me just a bit tighter and reminds me that in time the hurt will lessen and that it is ok to feel and ok to cry. My tears are therapy, my tears are for you, my tears are for me, my tears are for the immense love God has given me. It is so hard to explain crying in sadness one moment and then just when I can't handle the pain any longer I begin to cry because of the grand love I am filled with.

My little Angel you never got to enter into this world but you have touched my life and made me grow as a person. You have changed me. I will never again be the same person. I am your Mother. Though my arms did not carry you my heart will carry you forever. You made me see that I am surrounded by wonderful people who care more about me that I thought people could care. You have shown me that I can fill those holes that have been in my heart for years. Through you I have experienced the caring and love that others humans can provide. Through you my wall to the outside world has come down a little more. Through you I am more open to receive the love and support from others. Children are gifts and though you never got the gift of life you were still able to be a gift to me. My gift, my baby, my heart.

Love,
Mommy

The First Letter

2009-09-30T18:27:00.000-07:00

Dear Tristan,

On Sunday, God took you home. I never heard your little heartbeat. I never saw an image. I didn't even know whether you were a little girl or boy. That doesn't mean I didn't love and bond with you my little angel. I am now left with this hole and ache in my heart. Did you have a soul yet? I feel that a piece of my soul left when I lost you. How is it so possible to love something so much that you can hurt in ways you never knew. I never saw your smile, I never touched your little face but you left little footprints on my heart. I never got to hear you laugh or cry. Now I cry for the both of us. Each tear I cry helps to heal the hurt and loss I am experiencing. I cry out for you. My arms are empty. My soul aches. I feel broken. I feel so lost.

I remind myself that you are in paradise with the same God that gave you to me. The God that blessed my life with having you as a part of me in the first place. The same God that is going to use the experience for a purpose in my life. I don't have the answers and I know in time they will be revealed for now I mourn, for now I cry, for now and always I will miss you my little angel.

My dearest baby you are safe in the arms of God along with your grandma and grandpa. I picture all of you together smiling down on me. That image warms my heart if only for a moment. I know time will help heal the hurt I feel. But for now I mourn you, for now I cry, for now I sit in my grief and wonder about you. I love you my baby.

Love,
Mommy